Sunday, October 18, 2009

A Gross, Unrefined Post, In Incredibly Bad Taste

Disclaimer: I clearly warned you; if you're offended, it's your own fault.

Post Begins Here:

About a month ago (how I know it was about a month ago will become clear soon enough), we gathered together here, at the Country Casa, for dinner. My Aunt was still here from San Diego, friend Di was here, Tim and the kids joined us, along with Craig and his friends. After dinner, while the weather was still holding and everyone was present, we gathered around a bonfire of sorts.

I say "of sorts," as GeniusInventorClint cut a lawn roller in half horizontally, which makes for an excellent country fire pit. Toss in lots of firewood, pull up the chairs, and you have yourselves a party!

We wrapped ourselves in blankets to keep our backs warm, and kept our feet close enough to the fire to smoke our soles, and proceeded to laugh our booties off all night long.

Nigh about midnight, when everyone began declaring that they should be heading home, Clint decided that he'd let the wood-fire die down, and throw in our paper bag of paper waste [we are country folk now, and can burn our paper waste].

Whoosh! In went the junk mail, ads from bill statements, paper get the picture.

We continued to talk and laugh, and were still going strong when the weekly flyers were gone. To my complete mortification, I watched Clint throw in a second bag of our burnable garbage.

The bag from the bathroom.

Now would be a good time to explain that waaaaay out here in the country, we have a septic tank, which means a girl cannot flush her....ummm...personal hygiene products...under any circumstances. Citified girls, this means, as far as I understand it, that things would become clogged, and the UncloggerMan will have to come out, and stuff that you flushed will inevitably end up out in the yard for Deer and God and The Whole World to witness, and the Man of Your House will be beary-beary perturbed.

That's as I understand it, you see. I haven't risked the man of my house becoming perturbed (on this particular issue).

Let's just cut to the freakin' chase, shall we?

So, Clint threw the bathroom garbage into the fire barrel while I simultaneously realized what had just happened, and thought, Oh.





The outer bag burned off in milliseconds, leaving the contents on complete display for everyone sitting in the circle. I held my breath, thinking "keep talking, everyone please just keep talking," when my niece, Brandi, began to giggle. Finally she said "Well. THAT was a first."

Thank you very much, dearie. The men in the circle hadn't yet noticed the fiasco, and Tim asked her, "Whuh?"

You know it, she said "I JUST WATCHED A TAMPON GO UP IN FLAMES!!"

Suddenly, all eyes were on the fire, and everyone was aware that the barrell was full of a week's worth of "someone's" used tampons, panty liners, and sanitary pads.

They don't burn as fast as you'd think.

Uncomfortable giggling beget when Brandi, actually trying to make things better, piped up, "Well, at least it doesn't smell."

She really thought that would help, but the boys in the crowd screamed with laughter.

To counteract that, she panick-ed-ly tried to gain control of the situation: "No! No, Aunt Lori, I wasn't insinuating that you're dirty!"

To which the men in the party completely fell out of their chairs, and her father, my brother-in-law Tim, screamed, "Just Stop! You're making it worse! You're making it worse!!!" Then he consolingly laid on the ground and laughed for about 10 minutes.



Everyone went home. Clint threw another bag of burn-able waste into the barrel, and I went to bed, having had one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Let's just keep this between ourselves, ok?


  1. I hate it when my pon-pons get thrown in the fire!

  2. This may be your best post evah!!! Sorry for your embarrassment but goodness what a great story!

  3. Brandi1:06 AM

    Great post! When the comment crawled up to the ol' brain, I really did think it would help.

  4. levity at Lori's expense

  5. StFarmer4:14 AM


  6. Thats what I get for leaving early that night.. From now on, I'm spending the night.!

  7. Simply fabulous.

    Thinking of you lots!

    BIg love!

  8. Anonymous10:17 AM

    for quite sometime now lori, i have been reading your blog every morning while im having my coffee.i started back when you were on tv for the toys for troops thingy, which by the way we all love, all the way through out teri's illness. i cried every morning for her and you all, and laughed with you too. now bonfires and embarassment! at least clint knows your being careful. thank you so much for my morning meditations. i send much love and many blessings to you all.your cousin, debbie

  9. Anonymous3:52 PM

    The uncontrollable laughing was all because of the horrified-embarassed look on your face...then the actual items that went into the bonfire Lori :D

    Has any wise soul captured it on camera? Can we have a look, pls? :)

  10. Anonymous6:36 PM

    OK, that has to be right up there with some of the funniest stories I have ever heard, you poor thing LOL!

  11. Thanks for showing me the love, ya'll; it was a memory I won't soon forget.

    Debbie, so glad you commented here, and so nice to know you've been reading. I'm all warm & fuzzy inside! Love you!

  12. It happens to everyone (embarrassing moments that is) I once walked into the ladies room unknowingly. I realized where I was when I noticed there were no urinals...

  13. I'm amazed at your capability to type this story with your head burried in the sand! Oh, wait, that would be me. CANNOT imagine sitting there winessing anyone's ah-hm's going up in flames. An old frind of mine always referred to it as ridng the white cotton pony. Just wait until I tell him about burning the white cotton pony. OMG Talk about exposure. LOL

  14. Anonymous3:36 PM

    I read my comment here again..and it sounds like something else that I didn't mean to.

    My request if for a pic that captured that priceless look on your..not of the things in the fire. :D

  15. Oh my! I can't even imagine what my response would be. It seems like you handled it well. That's crazy!

  16. Anonymous12:08 PM

    Oh you poor thing. Here's one to make you feel better. Once when I was about 13 I went to visit my Dad and stepmom in another state. We spent one day at a theme park, and when we came home I discovered that the dog had gotten into the bathroom garbage and strewn it all over the living room floor and chewed on it. Needless to say it was that time of the month and I didn't use tampons yet.

  17. Anonymous4:09 PM

    i snuggle with your warmth and fuzziness. many blessings and much love Gnightgirl...

  18. Priceless! I love it.

  19. wow.
    just wow.
    you poor thing. i seriously would have died in embarrassment. sure glad you don't mind being the butt, so to speak, of the joke. :-)


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