Ugh. 2 weeks? How much money do I have in the bank? What's due? Where's the CD with my resume? That Fossil purse, ugh, I wish I'd known this before I splurged on the new purse. Health insurance, fuck. I think I'm going to be sick. Facebook it! Get the word out. I can do this. I'll be fine. I can get two jobs. Why should I get two crappy jobs when I can bring in more money on unemployment and skate until I find something worthwhile. How much would I make on unemployment? How do I find out? Unemployment! God, how embarrassing. I'm dynamic! I'm worthless. I'm worthless to Clint! I have nothing to bring to the table in his home right now. I'm smart! I'm a giant pain in the ass, a big financial drain. God, my own house payment. I have a house payment! What do I want to do? Could I possibly do what I want to do? I've wanted to work on my own for years. Can I? Could I? Are my ideas ridiculous? Am I living in a fantasy world? Should I go for it, or will reality knock me between the eyes with a two-by-four? I think I'm going throw up.Rinse. Repeat.
Yes, after 36 years the company I've worked for is closing its doors. I've been here for 24 years. I was 24 years old when I began working here. Brian was 1. 24 years. 2 husbands. 7 houses. 1 job.
It's not that it's a huge surprise. Outsourcing, globalization, and technology has done us in, as it has many other U.S. publishing and printing businesses. 6 years ago I was in a managerial position, training and overseeing several employees. For the last 3 or 4, I've been side by side with 1 employee in my department, at the same time moving into the "receptionist" chair in the front office.
I'll admit to skating. Skating on a slightly higher wage while I can, trying to knock down some debt. I've also held off moving forward professionally while I rode out the last couple of years. How could I tell a new boss, "yes, I'm reliable, but my sister is ill, and I'm taking care of my mother, and I need to take phone calls, and I need to leave when I need to leave!"? I just didn't see too many potential employers going for that, while my own stood by me every time Mother lost her glasses.
This was to be The Year. It was less than a week ago that I was discussing with Clint the number of changes that were going to occur in my life in 2011—thus affecting his life, and ours together. Changes that would will causing both some unstability, and yet lock in a more solid future with a little more breathing room: I'll get Mom settled, and tend to her house, her assets, her finances. I'll decide then, what my options are: school, employment, self-employment. Sell my house, keep my house, what to do, what to dooooo.
Well, circumstances have taken a turn, and while I still have the same decisions to make, I have to make them fast, and oh, figure out how to bring in thousands of dollars while I do it. I've got 10 days of employment left before I figure it all out.
I have ideas. I know what I want to do. I know what I have to do.
Wish me luck, smarts, courage, and, if I need it, the sheer false bravado I need to somehow make the two coincide.
I'm going to go throw up now.