Sometimes I paralyze myself with my own promises; 'dja ever do that? I have 400 photos to sort through on an an outdated laptop in which the homerow's Row #3 works quirkily. if at all. My vow to post Cancun adventures "next" simply bottlenecks all of the other prolific posts I could be writing. I surrender! Cancun photos and adventures will come in due time.
I read back to the "olden days" of this blog, and I feel like I've lost my voice and the courage of my convictions in the last couple of years. An increased readership intimidates me a bit. The last couple of years have been tough, tough. 2009 was blogging the year of Teri's death. In 2010...I just felt like I'd suck out your soul if I told you how I really felt, adjusting to the first year without her. I fell into a "if you don't have something nice to say..." mindset.
In truth, last year was tough. The year before, when Teri lost her battle to cancer, was terrible, it was terrible. But she was here. And last year was our first where she wasn't. Toss in living under construction. Most of my material belongings have been in storage or still in my home, which I'm now renting to a friend. My sister is gone, and I don't have my *stuff.* Whatever the hell stuff I thought that would be, that would make things better, I don't have it, I can't find it, it's in a freakin' box somewhere, and it's just easier to go buy new stuff, thus adding financial strain to my stress.
I miss my sister, I'm broke, I can't find my stuff, my kid is in Iraq, my Mom is combing her hair with a fork and pooping on the floor, and who in the hell can cope with all of this stuff and maintain a merry relationship every single day? Not me, there was tumult everywhere! I really thought I was keeping my shit together in 2010, but when I look back at the year, BLEAH. Barf. Blurp. Puke.
I am still standing because of a lot of good friends, and a few *great* friends, that held me up through the year. It's funny, how I want to tell you that "Clint's friends" rallied to keep me upright through some tough times last year, their rallying making me realize: they are MY friends now also. My family now also. I love that.
All of this spewing beget from a desire to let you all know, "I miss blogging," and I'm going to stop worrying about that prolific post, and I am going to blog every single day. Ok, big lie, the every single day part. But I'm going to make more of a point to get the daily stuff back out here, because despite the aforementioned bellyaching, something quite wonderful really does happen almost every single day.
Thank God, because I'm not sure I would have survived 2010 without the "quite wonderfuls."
See you tomorrow.
I spent a whole year hung up on writing my next "great" post.
ReplyDeleteThe furthest it got me was deleting my blog.
One lesson I've learned: blog what you feel and write what you want not what you think you need to write.
Blogging is just something that comes from the heart.
And you, pretty lady, have tons of that.
I love your blog and I don't care what order you write about what's swirling around in your head - I just enjoy reading it.
I also couldn't get through a single week of Jeff's deployment last year without referencing something you wrote while Brian was gone.
Lots of internet love is being sent your way right now.
Hope you know that.
I'm in favor of you blogging when you feel like blogging, and not pressuring you to do more than that. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteSo many, many things I could write here. Will suffice to say I'm glad. I've missed you, too. Not just the good stuff. Not just the interesting stuff. Not just the stuff with pictures. *YOU* The whole damn package. So, thanks.
ReplyDeleteWow, you came back with a great post. What honesty and eloquence!
ReplyDeleteTell it like it is girl. You are not alone. All our stuff is in storage (3 years now) and most of all, William misses "Grandpa's ashes" and "Uncle John's teeth." That's right. If I lost a sister... well the world would be a less safe place plus I'd feel like I was living without a limb. Or more. Taking care of a parent and semi losing her? I say have a Margarita, a double, and tell yourself you'll sort out the photos... manana! xoxo E from Panama
ReplyDeleteI haven't blogged a trip I took in October yet. Nor the one over Christmas. I've hardly been blogging at all, despite a few posts rattling around in my non-functioning brain.
ReplyDeleteI think this blogging thing as a cycle, it ebbs and flows...
- Jazz
I know.
ReplyDeleteLove to you.
Blog whatever/whenever you want, darling. We'll still love you!
ReplyDeleteI gotta say: I totally get the stuff in boxes thing. I still have lots of stuff in boxes here and I've been here (TOO MANY YEARS TO THINK ABOUT). This box thing is my fault really - but I feel your box/stuff pain! And it is sometimes easier to go buy stuff (that we can't afford).
Grief/stress is quite a process. Sometimes I just feel better trying to forget it and not fix it. :D Which adds to the stress...
I love ya! We'll make it!
((((((Lori)))))
ReplyDeleteYour blogs are always something to look forward too, regardless of content. I love your honesty and the way you have with words.
Do what you can when you can and don't be intimidated by your ever growing readers. We are here, simply to read what you have to say and to experience what ever emotions your words bring out.
Always a blessing!!!!!!!!