My sweet mother's condition deteriorates. I stress myself out sometimes by wondering if I don't enable some of that deterioration. Is that even possible? Remember when I talked her into Meals on Wheels? They bring her such a large lunch that she eats it for both lunch and dinner. She no longer heats up an evening meal in the microwave; we removed this simple daily chore from her repetoire and it is gone. It is gone, and it isn't coming back. Did I do that?
I usually arrive to find her in two different shoes, both on the wrong feet, undies on askew (leg hole around her waist), and in general, I look around for some other surprise. Oh surprise me, Mom, surprise me!
In addition to Alzheimer's, she has a hoarding disorder. I will spend hours cleaning up her bedroom, only to find it once again covered in...stuff. Clothes and blankets and books are piled high, and she crawls in and sleeps amongst it.
On top of this, she hasn't been letting her doggie out often enough, and I am now in the midst of packing up more stuff so that we can tear out the carpets. I spend a couple hours a day cleaning, packing, and tossing Sucrets tins full of rubber bands, thousands of return address labels, fast-food salt packets, and empty boxes.
I was over this evening, puttering and talking to Brian on the phone when I wandered down the hallway to analyze the stuff I'd have to deal with in the spare bedroom. I opened the door to find this:
SURPRISE!!!That hangy-down stuff is insulation, and there on the floor is the ceiling. What Brian heard, while we spoke on the phone was "blah de blah, blah blah blOHMIGOD OHMIGOD OHMIGOD!"
I don't know what happened here, I have no idea even when it happened. Clint's at work, Mom's puttering around wearing one tennis shoe and one slipper, my sister's family is taking care of my sister, and I was quite simply, numb.
I closed the door, picked up my keys, told Mom that I loved her and that I'd be back tomorrow. I've been staring at the walls for most of the evening. Oh, I try to think, every now and then, but my mind seems to just scream "don't want!" and shuts itself back off.
Anyway, all that happened, and I can't think, so I won't be blogging today, because I'm going to sleep now, k?
You poor sweetie! There are many things I'd like to say to offer you comfort, but I am going to go at this from an earthy practical stance and just say this: The number one thing you need to do right now in your life is take care of yourself. Yes, yourself. You are overwhelmed and want to help everyone but you won't be able to do that if you don't put yourself first. You make sure you take care of you, and then you can step up and help those around you. Take this advice seriously.
ReplyDeleteLori, I feel horrible that for one second you would think yourself responsible for any of what your mom is going through. You are not. You cannot stop the progression of her disease. You are not the cause of its manifestations, you only have to deal with them. And, it's heartbreaking. It hits me in the gut and I'm only reading about it.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could make the hard decisions for you. I wish you the strength to get through this.
I don't know what to tell you so I'm sending you a long distance hug.
ReplyDelete((((((hug)))))))
i love you, whether you blog or not, think or not, rotate your underwear or not. You are you, simply divine. xoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you're going through such a rough patch right now. I wish there was something I could do to help you.
ReplyDeleteAlzheimers is a bitch of a thing to deal with. You are definitely not the cause of any deterioration. Please take StFarmer's words to heart. They are so true.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
You and mom need a helper. Someone able to spend most of the day with her. Maybe even someone close to her age or someone she knows. You can ask the meals on wheels person if they know someone or post a flyer at church, senior citizens etc. Even if it were just a couple or three times a week it would be a relief. StFarmer is right also - no feeling guilty. Find an Alzheimers support group if you can (or if you haven't already) and go whenever you can.
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone. I'm making appointments with local senior resources to research more options for my mother's care.
ReplyDeleteRun don't walk to your nearest Alzheimers support group. The in in CU is called Circle of Friends They have been so incredibly helpful.
ReplyDeleteWhat geewits said. And I'd venture to add, your mom is getting to the point where she'll no longer be able to live alone and she'll need to be moved somewhere where she can get round the clock care...
ReplyDeleteAnd don't ever ever think this is in any way your fault. Don't!
I recently had to be rescued from a household disaster of my own absent-minded/dain-bramaged making: Oops...
ReplyDeleteA really nice lady came over to help me out with what would have otherwise been a nightmare for my particular brand of hydrophobia.
All in a day's work for the superheroes of the dysfunctional.
Been there, done that, Glock...at least YOU got the photo that I didn't
ReplyDeletehttp://gnightgirl.blogspot.com/2006/02/lessons-learned-hard-way.html
I wish I would have read/remembered that post prior to my unintentional re-enactment.
ReplyDeleteBut at least I feel a little less alone on that little disaster. Mine was half-n-half dishwasher/dish soap to make up for running out... and it still took every towel in the house to get it under control by the time it was done.
Awwww my heart goes out to you. You poor thing. I hope after the sleep, things look slightly better. Whatever it is....your entries always always inspire me to write. So don't stop.
ReplyDeleteLove, love, love...
ReplyDelete... and hugs.
From reading your daily schedule you sound like a hamster constantly running on a wheel and getting nowhere.
ReplyDeleteI agree with geewits comment and you should take that advice and run with it.
Having been through it with my mother I know how distressing the progression of the disease is for those having to cope with it. I would suggest that you start looking at care homes near you right now - so that when the day comes when you have to go down that path you are prepared.
Forgot to say that if I can offer any help feel free to ask.
ReplyDeleteMy email address is
dbadude99@gmail.com
Adrian