Today's blog will be postponed, because I don't know where to start. I've been soul searching and trying to get my head straight, and my plan was to tell you all about that this evening, after picking up Mom's meds and working at her house for a little while.
My sweet mother's condition deteriorates. I stress myself out sometimes by wondering if I don't enable some of that deterioration. Is that even possible? Remember when I talked her into Meals on Wheels? They bring her such a large lunch that she eats it for both lunch and dinner. She no longer heats up an evening meal in the microwave; we removed this simple daily chore from her repetoire and it is gone. It is gone, and it isn't coming back. Did I do that?
I usually arrive to find her in two different shoes, both on the wrong feet, undies on askew (leg hole around her waist), and in general, I look around for some other surprise. Oh surprise me, Mom, surprise me!
In addition to Alzheimer's, she has a hoarding disorder. I will spend hours cleaning up her bedroom, only to find it once again covered in...stuff. Clothes and blankets and books are piled high, and she crawls in and sleeps amongst it.
On top of this, she hasn't been letting her doggie out often enough, and I am now in the midst of packing up more stuff so that we can tear out the carpets. I spend a couple hours a day cleaning, packing, and tossing Sucrets tins full of rubber bands, thousands of return address labels, fast-food salt packets, and empty boxes.
I was over this evening, puttering and talking to Brian on the phone when I wandered down the hallway to analyze the stuff I'd have to deal with in the spare bedroom. I opened the door to find this:
That hangy-down stuff is insulation, and there on the floor is the ceiling. What Brian heard, while we spoke on the phone was "blah de blah, blah blah blOHMIGOD OHMIGOD OHMIGOD!"
I don't know what happened here, I have no idea even when it happened. Clint's at work, Mom's puttering around wearing one tennis shoe and one slipper, my sister's family is taking care of my sister, and I was quite simply, numb.
I closed the door, picked up my keys, told Mom that I loved her and that I'd be back tomorrow. I've been staring at the walls for most of the evening. Oh, I try to think, every now and then, but my mind seems to just scream "don't want!" and shuts itself back off.
Anyway, all that happened, and I can't think, so I won't be blogging today, because I'm going to sleep now, k?