Monday, August 18, 2008

True Confessions

Forgive me, Blog Readers, for I have spouted off in recent blog posts. I have made sweeping claims about myself that I have decided were absolutely, well, full of shit. I've decided to come clean on 2 of them. For now.

Claim and Confession #1. Last week while contemplating the Chinese' struggles with the sound of the letter r, I boldly claimed that I could master a zulu alveolar click before I could ever become a neurosurgeon.

Then, I watched a few videos of the fabulous Miriam Makeba, a South African singer known as Mama Afrika. Listen to The Click Song, recorded here in, I think, 1966 or so.

Yeah, I tried to do this a few hundred times. I've practiced incorporating that click into a sound without making an entire syllable out of it for two days now, and I think I broke my throat.
I absolutely can not do it. I have, instead, enrolled in this school, as pennance. (That is another lie. Really, you can't trust me any further than you can throw me.)

The next confession is about a proclamation that I have made time and time again. I WOULD do it! I WILL do it! In a heartbeat! In a split second, oh yes I would. I WOULD most certainly eat a live grub or a caterpillar with Andrew Zimmern, on his show, Bizarre Foods. I would not pass up the chance. Ever. I could freakin' co-host that show!

Then, while we were camping this weekend, Angie and Ryan yelled to me: "Bring your camera!" I came running with the camera, to find them hovering over a piece of dog poop. Ugh, why would they want me to photograph dog poop?

Upon closer inspection, though, I figured out it wasn't dog poop at all. It was the hugest, ugliest caterpillar I've ever seen in my life.

This shot's a little blurry—remember I couldn't see out of my right eye this weekend. Anyway, I can't tell which is heads and which is tails here, except for on that 50-cent piece we put down for size comparison.

I was so grossed out by that nasty thing that I was forced to take pause over my declaration to eat one, alive, no less. I tried to imagine picking it up and dropping it down my throat.

Have to tell ya, the idea didn't do anything for me but make me dry heave. Maybe if I ate it with a fork and knife? Here it is on a pretty red plate; it's all about the presentation, you know...

No thank you, Sam I Am. Not with all that back hair.

So, there you have it. I've come clean: I can't click, and I'm not going to eat a live caterpillar.

I feel like a new woman.

Won't you join me? Tell me about on of YOUR B*S* proclamations—you know you've made one.

I'm going to go now, and research skydiving.

Because I'd totally do that.


  1. Just reading this made me dry heave. Seriously.

  2. *You have been tagged*

    I dare you to take it up girl ! ;-)

  3. Oh yes, it is all coming back to me now. Our conversation about this food show. How you said, I would so go on that show. And I said, you wouldnt eat any of that. And you said, yes huh. Yes, I would. It would be such an experience. Now you're saying it was all a lie....and all this time you were so my hero.

  4. Well even lobster are not particularly attractive until you've tasted one. Not that I'd ever try a land insect.
    I loved that video! I don't think I could do it like she does either, although my husband and I sometimes do clicks and pretend to talk like that. But we're just weird.

  5. You got to try skydiving! I did it to celebrate my 40th birthday it was, quite literally, awesome.

  6. Ugh...I need to re-think my dinner plans tonight. I'll probably still be gagging at that point.

  7. Holy crap...that clicking thing. That's annoying as hell! I'd think a person was crazy if they did that while talking to me!

    About that show? Me and my wife love it! We'll sit there and go "EWWWWW" almost the whole episode

  8. Anonymous4:43 PM

    June in Florida. I think you should practice with Anthony Bourdain first.I have fished a bug out of my cocktail and drank it, it was a very happy bug.My Google is somehow messed up so i am "anonymous"

  9. Thank goodness I've got my internet window minimized pretty darn small & didn't see IN FULL SIZE those two gross pictures. *gag* I'm bad with bugs so pictures gross me out. *gag* Thanks. lol

  10. Melody. Sorry I made you heave. Try not to think about it.

    Always Happy: Ok, I'm working on my embarrassing moments...if only I embarrassed easier!

    FrugalMom: I know, I've fallen from Grace. At least I'll eat a damned black olive.

    Geewits: Very.True. Who'da thunk to eat a lobster, first time around? And I love that video also. Did you try the click?

    Jazz: Ok. I'll schedule it for my 50th. Or the summer of; Jan 4 won't likely be a good skydiving day in my part of the world.

    Joe: There, there. Did you get over the gagging? Hey, weren't you trying to lose 5 pounds or something? Think of the caterpillar...and thank me later.

    June: I'd SO travel with Anthony Bourdain. I imagine he'd find me a bit..."midwestern" though. Coughing at his cigarettes and all...

    Slick: You think the clicking's annoying? I think it's AMAZING. Did you try it? Try it! You and your wife try it! TOCK!

    Cece: This was the gross-est bug I've ever seen I'll admit. I think I've lost blog readers because of him. Her. How do you tell?

  11. Ah....I applaud your honesty and forthrighness! And what the heck....what kind of freak can't eat black olives!! Black olives ROCK. :-)


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