Monday, August 18, 2008

True Confessions

Forgive me, Blog Readers, for I have spouted off in recent blog posts. I have made sweeping claims about myself that I have decided were absolutely, well, full of shit. I've decided to come clean on 2 of them. For now.

Claim and Confession #1. Last week while contemplating the Chinese' struggles with the sound of the letter r, I boldly claimed that I could master a zulu alveolar click before I could ever become a neurosurgeon.

Then, I watched a few videos of the fabulous Miriam Makeba, a South African singer known as Mama Afrika. Listen to The Click Song, recorded here in, I think, 1966 or so.



Yeah, I tried to do this a few hundred times. I've practiced incorporating that click into a sound without making an entire syllable out of it for two days now, and I think I broke my throat.
I absolutely can not do it. I have, instead, enrolled in this school, as pennance. (That is another lie. Really, you can't trust me any further than you can throw me.)

The next confession is about a proclamation that I have made time and time again. I WOULD do it! I WILL do it! In a heartbeat! In a split second, oh yes I would. I WOULD most certainly eat a live grub or a caterpillar with Andrew Zimmern, on his show, Bizarre Foods. I would not pass up the chance. Ever. I could freakin' co-host that show!

Then, while we were camping this weekend, Angie and Ryan yelled to me: "Bring your camera!" I came running with the camera, to find them hovering over a piece of dog poop. Ugh, why would they want me to photograph dog poop?

Upon closer inspection, though, I figured out it wasn't dog poop at all. It was the hugest, ugliest caterpillar I've ever seen in my life.

This shot's a little blurry—remember I couldn't see out of my right eye this weekend. Anyway, I can't tell which is heads and which is tails here, except for on that 50-cent piece we put down for size comparison.

I was so grossed out by that nasty thing that I was forced to take pause over my declaration to eat one, alive, no less. I tried to imagine picking it up and dropping it down my throat.

Have to tell ya, the idea didn't do anything for me but make me dry heave. Maybe if I ate it with a fork and knife? Here it is on a pretty red plate; it's all about the presentation, you know...



No thank you, Sam I Am. Not with all that back hair.

So, there you have it. I've come clean: I can't click, and I'm not going to eat a live caterpillar.

I feel like a new woman.

Won't you join me? Tell me about on of YOUR B*S* proclamations—you know you've made one.

I'm going to go now, and research skydiving.

Because I'd totally do that.

11 comments:

  1. Just reading this made me dry heave. Seriously.

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  2. *You have been tagged*

    I dare you to take it up girl ! ;-)

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  3. Oh yes, it is all coming back to me now. Our conversation about this food show. How you said, I would so go on that show. And I said, you wouldnt eat any of that. And you said, yes huh. Yes, I would. It would be such an experience. Now you're saying it was all a lie....and all this time you were so my hero.

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  4. Well even lobster are not particularly attractive until you've tasted one. Not that I'd ever try a land insect.
    I loved that video! I don't think I could do it like she does either, although my husband and I sometimes do clicks and pretend to talk like that. But we're just weird.

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  5. You got to try skydiving! I did it to celebrate my 40th birthday it was, quite literally, awesome.

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  6. Ugh...I need to re-think my dinner plans tonight. I'll probably still be gagging at that point.

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  7. Holy crap...that clicking thing. That's annoying as hell! I'd think a person was crazy if they did that while talking to me!

    About that show? Me and my wife love it! We'll sit there and go "EWWWWW" almost the whole episode

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  8. Anonymous4:43 PM

    June in Florida. I think you should practice with Anthony Bourdain first.I have fished a bug out of my cocktail and drank it, it was a very happy bug.My Google is somehow messed up so i am "anonymous"

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  9. Thank goodness I've got my internet window minimized pretty darn small & didn't see IN FULL SIZE those two gross pictures. *gag* I'm bad with bugs so pictures gross me out. *gag* Thanks. lol

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  10. Melody. Sorry I made you heave. Try not to think about it.

    Always Happy: Ok, I'm working on my embarrassing moments...if only I embarrassed easier!

    FrugalMom: I know, I've fallen from Grace. At least I'll eat a damned black olive.

    Geewits: Very.True. Who'da thunk to eat a lobster, first time around? And I love that video also. Did you try the click?

    Jazz: Ok. I'll schedule it for my 50th. Or the summer of; Jan 4 won't likely be a good skydiving day in my part of the world.

    Joe: There, there. Did you get over the gagging? Hey, weren't you trying to lose 5 pounds or something? Think of the caterpillar...and thank me later.

    June: I'd SO travel with Anthony Bourdain. I imagine he'd find me a bit..."midwestern" though. Coughing at his cigarettes and all...

    Slick: You think the clicking's annoying? I think it's AMAZING. Did you try it? Try it! You and your wife try it! TOCK!

    Cece: This was the gross-est bug I've ever seen I'll admit. I think I've lost blog readers because of him. Her. How do you tell?

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  11. Ah....I applaud your honesty and forthrighness! And what the heck....what kind of freak can't eat black olives!! Black olives ROCK. :-)

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