Arrangements & Haphazard Thoughts

Funeral services for Teri will be held on Wednesday and Thursday, Sept. 9 & 10

Renner Wikoff Chapel
1900 Philo Road
Urbana, IL 61801

Visitation will be Wednesday Sept. 9 from 5 p.m. to 9 p.m.
Funeral services will be at 10 a.m. Thursday, Sept. 10

On a personal note, we are keeping one another afloat here. Today was a particularly tough day as I got up early to say goodbye to my son and his wife. (I will not see my kid for 13 months; have I mentioned he's deploying?) I later met Tim and the kids at the funeral home to finalize the funeral arrangements.

We are still in a state of disbelief. We move about in a daze, one minute believing we are holding it together only to suddenly find ourselves sobbing. I have talked to some friends with such stoicism that I wonder what they must wonder, and I have cried my guts out on whichever shoulder is closest.

I have spent the majority of my time the last couple of days trying to hold my mother up. She is understandably, a wreck. When she is not crying, she agitated, and asking the same questions over and over: Does Grandma know, Does Grandma Know? I've had to tell her countless times that we can NOT knock on the door to tell the neighbors, whom we do not know. I can't leave her alone, but she falls apart in Walgreens, when I pick up her Rx, and in Walmart, when we run in for dogfood.

I am so, so tired. I cannot stop her tears, and have given up constantly trying to sooth her. I feel like I haven't had a second to stop and absorb the events of the last 2 days. Has it only been 2 days? 56 hours, it's been 56 hours.

Mom's sister, my Aunt Karla, is flying in from San Diego tomorrow evening. To comfort her, and be with her, of course, but I selfishly find myself thinking "to give me a break."

And I know damned well that my pointing my finger at my mother for my hardship and heartache is misguided. My Aunt will arrive, a Knightess in Shining Armor, and I'll be able to sleep late a few days, or come home early and take a walk, or talk to Clint and when I have all that, I will find out...

...that I am so, so tired, and it has nothing to do with my mother. I am scared. Scared of the visitation, and scared to see my sister on Wednesday, and scared of the funeral. And I'm scared to live without her. I'm scared of the first time I grab my cell phone to call her and realize that I cannot. I'm scared to not have someone that I can mutually gripe and vent and annoy, someone that will roll her eyes at me and then call me back the next day to listen to another round of whatever it is I'm griping about. Who would put up with that shit but my sister?

Breathe deep, you tell me.

I'm doing lamaze over here, people.

You say I'll get through this.

I'll just have to trust you on it.