Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Change Is Good...


Today is the one-week anniversary of Brian's sayonara. Bri-o-nara. I'm holding up well, thanks. Here are a few things that have thrown me for a loop in the last week:

I do not know what to do in a grocery store: What do I want? I have no idea; I've walked in, and left empty-handed twice.

I went to Chicago over the weekend. What did I want? No looking at clothes, snacks, or housewares for Brian while we shopped. Me, me, me.

No checking in. No telling him where I am, where I'll be, when I'll be home. (Yes, we filled each other in on such things.)

Almost no laundry to do after a week.

Ran the dishwasher only once in the last week. It was full of coffee cups and water glasses.

I don't have to wear a robe, or granny-nighties around the house anymore. I can walk right out into the living room any time I please, wearing anything I please. Or nothing.

No closing the bedroom door when I head off to bed.

I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

And I am paralyzed with the SELF-ishness of it. It's very bizarre.

I think the one thing I'm most surprised to discover is how much I considered him in my daily decision making, even though we both basically led separate lives.

It's all right, although the awareness of it sometimes make me feel a tiny bit like I've been punched in the stomach. I keep forgetting that I don't have to consider him.

I imagine it will grow on me. When I get used to this, I'm planning to run out and buy myself a cute lil something that is NOT made of flannel.

It's good to have a plan.

13 comments:

  1. Bri-o-nara. I like that you made that word up.

    My heart/stomach fluttered when I read your words about your feeling a tiny bit like you've been punched in the stomach. I know this hasn't been easy...but you've been very strong and positive.

    Parents always do selfless things for their kids - buying THEM clothes, food, etc. - it's your turn now, baby!

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  2. I, too, love the word Bri-o-nara. Very cool. It must be very odd. You'll find your groove. But meantime, a non-flannel nightgown sounds like a plan!

    Lucky for me, when my kids are moving out, I'll have some idea what to expect because of you... Of course, it'll be 2017 or so. Yikes.

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  3. Take a day off, stay in and eat popcorn, get used to having the house to yourself.

    I moved into my new house in September and still haven't used the dishwasher. I clean after I use something or it would pile up on me. I really don't know how it works.

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  4. june in florida5:24 PM

    Gng, I like what Awe said, popcorn is good and bottle of merlot and some realy soppy movies and maybe a real good cry and a friend to give you a hug. THEN tommorrow write your son a letter telling him your doing fine so HE does'nt worry about you,.Hang in there girl, June

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  5. Momo: I have abulia: what to do with all my new choices!

    Wendy: 2017. Unimaginable, isn't it?!! Brian will be 31 then, and I will...round down to 50.

    Awe: You haven't used your dishwasher?!!! Lawsy!

    June: Sniff. I don't know his address yet! They said they'd send it to me last weekend. I'll go sit by the mailbox and wait.

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  6. I do the empty-handed grocery store shopping sometimes, too.

    It's interesting to read about how you didn't realize how much you considered how your daily decision making would affect Brian. One of my main obsessions about my marriage is that ALL of my decisions take DH into considerations, but few of his decisions take ME into consideration. And then I thought about how he and I lead rather separate lives, less of a partnership really, more like . . .

    OH NO! I'm my husband's mother!

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  7. lounge around naked! you're allowed now!!!! *then* go get yourself something made of not-flannel.

    and you're doing great. even if it doesn't always feel like it.

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  8. SS: Funny how that empty-handed-ness never occurs in the liquor store, eh?

    If you're mothering DH, I say make him write sentences. 100 times: "I will not be late for dinner."

    That oughta do it.

    BP: Ok. Naked lounging starts tonight. I'm having a dinner party for 12, but that's not gonna stop me.

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  9. Stop, I'm getting a picture. Wait, don't stop! Sounds like yer holding up aight. I laughed out loud at the Baggy eyes comment. Straight outta Bugs Bunny, my fave.
    My suggestion? Get a new vibrator and use it in the living room. Will that help? I dunno but I like the picture LOL HHNT BTW! I have a couple of good ones up!

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  10. Andy: YAY, someone got the Baggy Eyes reference; how'd I know it would be you? "Oh carrots are devine the cost a dozen for a diiimmme...."

    I don't think we can discuss cartoons and vibrators in the same entry. This is a family blog, people! Now, I'm going to run and look at Andy's naked ass.

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  11. Wearing nothing around the house? The blog pics could really take a new direction!

    Seriously, my oldest is only 15, but in his head (and I really respect that brain of his), he is Army bound as soon as possible. And so I hang on your every word as a parent in a similar mindset.

    Have a wonderful day.

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  12. Must be strange indeed. I wouldn't walk out of the grocery store empty-handed, though. I'd pick up anything, just so the trip wouldn't be wasted.

    My challenge word for this: jksntquz. I almost didn't post. Human hands should not have to type things like that.

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  13. you are making me cry. I am going to have to post a butt picture if you don't cut it out. This was so good and so real and raw. Keep going sister...and buy something good that maybe you don't want....you can buy somethin else later....buy somethin lacy and black or thong like or bunny slipper even! hang in there!!

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