Monday, April 10, 2006

Drive-By Lickity Lick

I hint of silk sari's. Of Greek Food. Of Chicago. And still everyone wants to hear of The Licking.

Let's call her Shirley, shall we?

Shirley's in her mid-50s. Relatively well put-together, if I'm being fair. A little on the garrish side, if I'm being truthful. And D-cup breasts. I know this, as anyone within earshot knows this. She likes to announce "they're boughten!"

I don't usually care, these things. You want green eye shadow? Knock yourself out, I respect you for expressing yourself. Larger breasts make you feel better? Go for it.

I'd "heard things" about Shirley, before I met her. She's a real pistol. Shirley looooooves those new D-cups, and she encourages you to take a look. Cop a feel. Shirl is getting her money's worth!

She's married to a pleasant enough guy, and as far as I know, scrutiny is for Ladies Only. Shirl also loves to touch and kiss other girls. Whether she's truly attracted to other women, or if it's a cute little game between her and her husband, I do not know.

So, I'd heard THANGS before I first encountered Shirley-and-The-Pips for the first time, a few months ago. She joined a large table of friends I was sitting with. True to form, Shirley was bawdy. Rowdy. Outrageous.

I guess. I suppose it's a matter of personal preference, when "life of the party" crosses over to "a bit tiresome." I know nothing about her besides her boobs, and though there must be more than that, she didn't have anything else to say. Surely there's more Shirley?


I ran downtown to get Rani a going-away gift, and then found myself waiting with Momo at an outdoor cafe, for her hubby Mikey to get off work. We were then to run off for dinner and final good-byes. The temperature dropped, and we went inside, entering the bar with another couple, "Sharon" and "Dan."

Sharon and Dan made a beeline to friendly faces, and we followed. Said faces:

Shirl & Mr. Shirl!

I frantically whisper-warned to Momo, "THAT's Shirley! Watch out."

Shirley greeted Sharon by moving in behind her, and humping her like a dog. I was only pleased because I could then say to Momo, "See?"

It was standing room only, and Momo and I moved off to wait for Mike, and get out of Shirley's hump-line-of-fire.

But wait! I remembered that the last time I saw Sharon, I had been contemplating a tattoo, and NOW I have one! I had to show her how it turned out.

I called her over, "Look, I did it! I got it!" Unfortunately I was wearing a plain ol' black t-shirt, not conducive to viewing shoulder tattoos. Marcy and Sharon yanked down the back of my t-shirt, causing the front collar to tighten around my windpipe so that much gagging and choking ensued. But they got a peek.

A moment later, Shirley sidled up behind me out of the blue, and shimmied her breasts across my back.

GAAaaack! I moved away from her, and, through my teeth, seethed to Marcy, "she just rubbed those fake breasts all over my back."

Marcy responded, "Yeah I know. And I can't believe she licked your tattoo."




Sharon confirmed it: Shirley had snuck in and executed a drive-by-licking.

I had no idea! Had she slipped a date-lick drug into my drink?!! I guess I was too busy trying to get my breath from the t-shirt choking to have been aware of it.

How did this make me feel?

For the record: Not aroused. I'm no prude, dearies; there is a long list of ya's—all genders, races, and sexual preferences—that would be ALLOWED to lick my tattoo. In fact, I would be honored.

But Shirley was not on the list. In fact, I was *tuh-OTALLY,* shiveringly, creeped out, and I left feeling like I needed a shower, and wondering why on earth that woman acts like that: who she is besides a Double-D, if she has a job, if she's good at it, if she has kids, if she has any or all of those things and thinks it's fun to lick strangers, if her husband thinks it's adorable, at what age will she stop groping other women, if she really thinks it's cute, if she'd stop if she knew what people are *really* saying about her.

If a man had done the same thing, how would the incident have differed? I'd have felt the same way, but I imagine there would have been a little more interference and protection from those around me, both male and female. Isn't that interesting?

Well. Damn.

I've always wanted to throw my drink in someone's face, and this would have been a perfect, justifiable opportunity! I'm upset that I lost my chance, but not so upset that I'll hang out with old Shirl ever again: My entire shoulder broke out the next day; I'm not making it up.

I consider this a public service warning, then: watch out for little 'ol large-breasted red-heads with satan saliva.



  1. I don't think I've ever laughed more at a post. Hilarious. Every word of it. Except for the fact that it was my friend that was licked...

    Great story.

    I also want to know why these people plied us with alcohol without even asking what type of drink we wanted. They just bring us CCwhiskeyCCclubCC thingies. I don't remember what they were called...usually people at least give you a chance to say: “Oh, no thanks...really – I’m fine...oh, OK...”

  2. And sometimes I wonder why I don't hang out downtown more often.

  3. Uh...oooooooooooKay! Great story. For the record, unlike many more shallow men I find fake breasts appalling and gross. OK, if you're saggy and you need a tune up no sweat but giant plastic jugs? Ew. No, really, Uber Gross! I can't believe your shoulder broke out! That's scary! I love the video of Momo. That's a howl!

  4. june in florida4:21 PM

    Gng, just love the picture of shirl, bet her tongue is that long. Best laugh i've had for a while,,,ty June

  5. I'm speechless. And very tempted to do some research on Medscape to see what kind of rashes can ensue after a licking... oh it's just so darn icky. The story is priceless. Did she really hump Momo? My goodness this woman needs attention.

  6. This is hilarious- and yet after pondering, not! What is it like to have lived a Seinfeld episode? (Ok they din't have this in one, but easily could have) Especially after a tattoo lick before- the running lick the tattoo gag...Well, great stories are made by great characters, and once in a while those characters are real life. Not 'great' as in we wanna be that character, buut, oh geeze, you know what I mean.

    Now I guess I need to google tattoo licking... haha

  7. Not a prude here either, but...ewww.

    As much as I am like oh so many other men and love the thought of women being intimate, that is surely far from intimate and rather very, very sad. Sounds like someone is trying way hard to be cool. I imagine that her true self is quite nice, but I suspect that the charade has gone on so long that even she doesn't know her true self.

    (Of course, I have no right to assume so much about someone I don't know, but what the hey.)

    And I agree totally that it all sounded like a classic Seinfeld episode.

  8. Momo: Well, thanks for alerting me; I'd still be in the dark if you hadn't mentioned it.

    ChazE-D: Just keep your sleeves buttoned, don't let anyone get a glimpse of those tats!

    Andy: I honestly don't know any men that prefer spherical fake ta-ta's to the real deal. And Momo is QUITE the ballerina.

    June: Yes, it's a very good likeness.

    Wendy: The rash is gone, but just in case, did you find any answers, Dr. Wendy?

    Momo got away; she humped Sharon, with whom she is aquainted. NEVER turn you back on her. Never!

    Barry: Yes, the "characters" do provide blog fodder, you have to give them credit for that.

    Wil: Happy to amuse.

    ChezBez: You did the same thing I did: speculate and analyze. Knock yourself out, you know her as well as I now. Except for shoulder spit.

  9. Wanting to know about the licking. Yeah, we're a classy bunch, your readers. My tat is on my hip. I'm thinking I will be even more prudent about showing it off now. Add me to the not-a-prude-but-EWWWWWW club.

  10. Well, Pobs, come to Champaign and show us that tattoo...I'll be on standby with the video setting on my camera; we can YouTube the licking for your blog.

  11. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  12. Champaign has changed.

  13. ummm...ewe. I like your picture of her though.

  14. Some people will do ANYTHING to capture the attention. Apparently, your tatoo was too much competition for Shirl.


  15. Well that is terrible .. If you had got an infection..

    You could sue her for a million dollars .. She would have to donate her fake jugs for sale ... then ..


  16. Maybe she was checking to see if it was a temporary Hemp tattoo, but then again I would say that she is off her rocker.

  17. oh lord, that's awful...I wonder why she felt the need to do that!?

    I would have said something, be it a man or a woman; that's a total infringement!

  18. I want to check in here and lend moral support, but the previous 19 commenters have pretty much covered all the angles. Clearly, this licking thing has got to stop. It's got so you can't go anywhere without fear of licking. I am constantly on guard against it, and still the occasional slurp gets me. I feel so violated. Where is the Special Victim's Unit when you need them? I feel your rash, sister.


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