Saturday, March 24, 2007

Hair Today...

15 or so years ago, my friend Lori had me in stitches when she observed, "I never knew I was so shallow." She contemplated for a second, and then followed, "Hm! Now I know."

Whew, those words were ringing in my ears this week. The problem? My Haircut from Hell.

I've written, before, about my general lack of hair care: infrequent cuts, $7 home-coloring, call it good. I never cared, I thought, what my hair looked like. That is until, I got the haircut from hell.

I know I made it look tolerable with product and jackhammers. But behind the scenes, I was spending 1/2 hour in the morning getting it into shape. Touching it up in the ladies' room at work. Stopping by home and taking a curling iron and a little pomade to it before heading out in the evenings.

Thursday afternoon I headed out after work, to do a bit of clothes shopping, without touching up the do. I went straight to Macy's without passing go. About an hour into shopping, the product gave out, gravity took over, and my cute little flippy-up began to flippy down. I was moving from dressing room to dressing room, standing in front of mirrors, seeing this:

My hair looked like crap, makeup had worn off, and dammit all to hell, I needed a larger size than I needed a year ago. I'm embarrassed to admit: I felt awful. Awwwwwwwwfulllllll. I schlepped back to my car, with the word "unattractive" whirling around my head. "Unattractive, I'm so unattractive."

No, no, I'm not fishing for compliments, just stop it. I just don't go around thinking or wondering, one way or another if I'm attractive or not: I look like what I look like, what I can do?! I bring it up only because I was surprised at myself for being so upset about something so silly.

But, I was upset! This stupid haircut that means nothing in the grand scheme, upset me. I'd have to try something else!

Friday morning, I got up and put hot rollers in my hair, thinking "I'll look like Marilyn Monroe."

Uh. Hello. I have a bowl cut with a weird hangy-down curtain of hair underneath it. I did NOT look like Marilyn Monroe, I looked like Mushroom Monroe! Here's a view from the back:

When I lamented to a few coworkers, they didn't "there-there" me with false compliments. They said "I see what you mean."

And I got on the phone, and called Studio 9, and found out that Heather, who has cut my hair before, had a 4:30 opening.

There is a God.

Poor Heather. I usually walk in saying "I dunno, just shape it up a bit." Not this time. A dam broke, and I became hysterical, telling her about Carol Brady, and handing her photos of alternative cuts, and yammering, "but you have to cut this thing off, right? Will you cut it off? Do you see it, do you see what I'm talking about?!!" I was nearly shrieking!

Heather asked me "Did you pay for this!?"

I was silenced. Of course I paid for it; did I have an option not to?! Of course I did, she said; I didn't have to pay for a cut that wasn't what I wanted!!

I didn't? It would never have crossed my mind that I didn't have to pay for this bad cut. The stylist did, after all, show up and work on my hair. I did walk away with a haircut, albeit a bad one. I could have just refused and stormed out?!! Really? People DO that?

Well, that is news to me. I did pay for it, and I even, schmuckishly, tipped for it. Someone buy me some cajones already.

The good news is that Heather was unphased with the challenge before her. She looked at and veto'd my suggestions, asked what I'd been after in the first place, listened a few minutes, then said "ok. I know what to do," and she got to it. She worked confidently, uttering the occasional "geez!" at the enormity of the destruction that had been done to my hairs a week ago.

I left 30 minutes later, on my way to meet friends:

My God, I can't believe how relieved I was to get that haircut cleaned up. I coveted my new haircut! Just ask Melissa, who gave me a heart attack when she ran her fingers through my new do, only to have me scream "don't touch it!!!"

That's how crazy I'd become, that's what living with a bad haircut for an entire week will do to a girl.

I never knew I was so shallow.

Hm. Now I know.


  1. Hey, it looks good.

  2. so much for my carol brady fantasy. you sure know how to deflate a guy.

  3. Anonymous7:07 PM

    An old friend of mine used to say the only difference between a bad hair cut and a good hair cut is about 10 days! (But I think it relates more to men than to women!)

  4. Looks great!!

    ...but i am still laughing at the carol brady story.

  5. Not what you were originally after but definitely better than a "G.I. Jane".

    BTW - You're so pretty, I'd let you eat crackers in my bed anytime you wanted. [wink]

  6. DB: Thanks, I like it too.

    PB: I know. Breaking hearts all over central IL, that's Carol for ya.

    Anon: I was 7 down, and it wasn't getting better!

    Nancy: I'm sure the CB story will be told at happy hours for years to come.

    PD: I'd considered G.I. Jane. And when I come to Hawaii, I'm coming over for crackers.

  7. YAY! Gotta love Heather....

  8. Looks great. Very un-Carol Brady.

  9. At the risk of getting all therapy-like on you, have you thought about the fact that there is A LOT going on right now that you feel you Must Not freak out over ~ and that perhaps a bad hair cut was a safe one to freak out over? Of course, that and a buck fifty...

  10. BP: Analyze away; it isn't lost on me that this is an out-of-the-ordinary reaction for me. Let's have wine and discuss it.

  11. ok, it's time for me to fess up. I almost cried when I saw the first cut. I REALLY felt your pain. There is a reason that porn stars and drag queens always have fabulous hair - great hair makes you look amazing and it makes you FEEL pretty.

    I was about to send you some wig advice but, you look SOOOOOOOO much better!

    Thank you for being so brave and sharing this entire experience.

  12. Mary: I'm sorry to put you through so much; thanks for crying right along with me! As far as great haircuts...well, I'm a believer now. I'm born again. And with the new cut...on my way to porn star status. Hair: check! Silicone...well...not yet.

  13. Stfarmer8:19 AM

    As the youngsters would say... you're back to being a hottie!

  14. I agree with Prairie Biker. I thought the whol Carol Brady thing was hot. :-) The new do looks grand though so I can't complain. I always liked it long so I hope you grow it out again. Like you it would never have occurred to me to NOT pay for a haircut. People really do that? GEez there's quite a few stylists who deserved to be stiffed out there. I had a girl recently tell me I was much hotter with long hair. Wanh! I KNOW already, I know!

  15. Nice. Much much better. I'm loving this cut. I good stylist is a precious commodity.

  16. I could never NOT pay for a haircut. I never heard of doing (not doing) that. Interesting. I would be like you. I would pay AND tip. I have no cojones either.

  17. This post had me in stitches.

    The way you used the cat picture is absolutely hysterical. :-)


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