Thursday, March 08, 2007

Coming to Terms with Fear

Thanks to you all for your support of late: comments, emails, birthday wishes for the kid.

I want to get on here, and tell you that I'm doing just fine, am picking up the pieces and holding it together.

It's semi-true.

It's also true that it's taking every fiber of strength I can muster, every second of the day, to keep my head above water right now. I'm torn about sharing it with you; I don't want to suck out your souls from constant whining.

On the other hand, I want to scream from the fucking rooftops: MY SON IS GOING TO WAR! WAR! STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND LISTEN, DAMMIT. YOU WORK WITH ME, YOU READ MY BLOG, YOU SERVE MY COFFEE, AND RING UP MY GROCERIES! IF IT TOUCHES ME, IT MUST TOUCH YOU ALSO, DON'T YOU SEE? SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION! IT'S ABOUT ALL OF US!

Ahem.

I feel a tad panicky at times.

I wrote, a week or so ago, of a few of my irrational fears. The entry came to mind as I try to come to grips with completely rational fears.

Folks have asked me, "got any fun plans this winter?" Yes. I plan on worrying.

And still others, "Any plans this year? Any vacations?"

Vacation? Vacation?! How could I possibly think about a vacation, I'll be so busy...worrying! Oh, that's not all: I'll be waiting.

Yes, that's my plan. I am going to fret, and wait, and fear, and worry, for 16-24 months, and buy bottles and bottles of Rogaine, for when my hair starts falling out.

Mmm-hmmm.

Or maybe I'll get a grip on this fear, and it won't be as paralyzing as I think it is.

At this moment, my worries are based on speculation. Oh, I know they're justifiable, but wasn't it also justifiable for me to worry about my son's riding his bike in traffic? or his being killed or injured in an automobile accident when he first got his driver's license? Alcohol poisoning at a party? Breaking his back, diving?

How much energy can I invest into speculation and hypothetical situations? How many headaches? How much sleep can I lose? How many tears can I shed?

How is that constructive for me? For Brian? For everyone around me?

I know, oh, I know, what the possibilities are here. You'd be amazed at how many people feel a need make sure a soldier's mother knows everything that might happen to him: "Well, if he doesn't die, he could still lose a limb. Or worse." Really? Gosh, that had never crossed my mind, thank you for pointing that out. I liken it to folks that feel inclined to tick off, to a cancer patient, all of the people they know who died from the same thing.

I do not address that last paragraph to anyone that has shared their own heartache to me about this nasty war. Some of you have written to me your stories of your sons, brothers, friends, who have had heinous experiences there. You have my undivided attention. I will listen, no matter how it scares me; you and yours are in my prayers every single day. I love that you cared enough to share, I ache that you ache.

As I try to overcome my fears and heartaches here, I do not intend to run from the reality of this war. It would be an absolute impossibility for me.

I seek, merely,

Balance.

Grace.

Strength.

Hope.

and Peace.




Who of you, by worring, can add a single hour to his life? Luke 12:25

15 comments:

  1. but yet it's impossible to NOT worry. Even with hope and comfort---a modicum of comfort--faith and believing with every fiber that you've seen your worst day, you'll worry. You're forever a MOM. Nuff said.

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  2. It's hard to find words to comfort you at this time. I can't say that I know exactly how you feel because I'm not even a mother. However, I just said a small prayer for you. I hope you can find some way to cope with this pain you feel.

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  3. Jay Are: Of course. :-) My Grandmother is 88 years old, and still worries about my mother, 65. It's never-ending.

    Glamz: welcome! And thank you.

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  4. I wish I knew what to say to help calm your fears. Your post brought tears to my eyes. My heart goes out to you. Sending much love your way.

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  5. Jay Are is right. You are a mom. This is your job - to worry.

    You've already done the job of making him into a man who is proud to serve his country and a man who loves his mamma.

    I hope you find the peace, grace, balance, strength...somehow, I know you will.

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  6. Isaiah 41:10

    10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

    ((Hugs))

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  7. He hearts ya. Hang on to that with every fiber in your body.

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  8. In the words of Alfred E Newman - (with that david letterman smile) "what, me worry?

    Hope you at least smiled at that

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  9. Barry: I did smile. And check in a little more often, will ya? Or send an email address, yeesh!

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  10. Ain't it a bitch having to be a spectator for the next 2 (hopefully less) years, after being a participant for the past 21.

    Lori, you raised a smart boy. He is not an 18 yo who has the typical "not me" thought pattern. Brian is fully aware of the Truth AND Consequences of where he is headed. Have faith in his training and abilities and common sense.

    Shout, scream, weep and bawl but BELIEVE.

    BELIEVE in Brian.
    BELIEVE in yourself.
    BELIEVE in all the love that is being focused on the two of you from everywhere in this world.

    ========================

    Your idea about a pissed off mother's army isn't such a bad one.

    "Hey scumbag! This is your worst nightmare. No 70 virgins for you, just 60,000 pissed off moms. Go ahead. MAKE MY DAY. Asswipe."

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  11. ADDENDUM

    Send some sexy pics of you to Bri to show to his Sgt, with the caveat that if sarge gets him out the other side of this in one piece, Brian'll fix him up with a date with you.

    I am only being half jestful.

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  12. Thank you, thank you all for your comments.

    Wil, I declare you an Honorary Soldier in the Pissed-Off Mom's Army. Carry my purse.

    And we'd best not talk about the "favors" I'd do to make sure my son gets home safely. Hmmmm

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  13. I am worrying right along with you. Please let me know if he needs anything we can contribute while he's away, and also let me know if you need to vent, coffee break, happy hour, shoulder for a good sob, anything. No mother should have to suffer what you are going through for your brave son.

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  14. I remember, after seeing the SGM off to a particularly scary deployment, looking at a friend of mine and saying "I don't think I can do this." And then it hit. If I thought I could do it or not, I had to. I was in it. You might recognize the realization. It is my deepest hope for you that these months pass as quickly as they possibly can. I am torn between wanting to reach out to you and wanting to leave you in the oh-so-very capable hands of your friends. So, if you need someone a little removed from it but who *gets it*, please, be in touch. Meanwhile, know you and Brian are always in my prayers. Blessed be.

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  15. had to step away from this one to regroup after reading...

    i'd say you have shown strength and grace. do wish you peace and hope, though. and we are right there with you -- six degrees and all that.

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