Thursday, March 30, 2006

Fra-gee-lay

That's how I'm feeling right now. Absolutely fine one minute and a bit rattled and kooky the next. I'm sure I'll settle down.

Mostly I'm finding things "weird." After I put these shoes away, they will STAY away. Weird. This bathroom will remain clean. Weird. Coming home and stifling the tendency to yell "helllllloooo?" Weird.

I am dumbstruck by your outpourings of support the last few days. Thank you! I've received lovely comments, heartfelt emails with phone numbers and offers to talk at any hour of the day, e-greetings, and invitations to lunch, dinner, and even a designated driver offer. What great friends! I love you guys!

I just got a phone call from Brian; he's in the St. Louis airport waiting for a flight to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. He thinks he'll be able to call again on Sunday.

I didn't cry, but I got a hell of a headache not crying, and now I need a distraction. You're It!

*****

I ran into an Asian store yesterday, to pick up some sushi ingredients. If you remember the ginseng juice entry, you'll know that I like to pick up a strange new snack when I'm in an ethnic store. This is what I grabbed:

Little tiny roasted crabs. They're like chips, only tinier, and crabbier. It sounds disgusting, doesn't it? I've passed them up several other times, but yesterday, I figured that tiny roasted crabs would be the perfect way to christen my New Life! Look at the label, after all:


Let's Party! Well, all Right!

The label also reads "Wai-Wai!" and "Gaya-Gaya!" I imagine those translating to "Whoo-Hoo!" and "weet-weet!" If any of you have any knowledge that it really means "not for human consumption," please, at this point, keep it to yourselves.

I brought my bag of Let's Party Roasted Party Crabs in a Party Bag home and scissored them open. The suh-mell that hit me in the face nearly bowled me over. For a description of something that probably smelled just as nice, check out the blog entry that Stephen wrote today.

I was instantly reminded of another time in which my friend Tim warned me not to open a jar of sea shells, as apparently something had died in the jar. I was younger then. I was only 41, and when I was 41, I did everything you told me not to. I opened the jar and took a big whiff.

I never knew I had nose hairs until they were all singed off. The smell inside that jar permeated the entire apartment in a matter of seconds, no amount of incense would remove the reek, so I told Tim, "your apartment stinks, I'm going home." My sinuses burned for days.

What was my point? Oh. Yes. That's pretty much what those PartyBoy Crabs did to my living space last night.

But I had a bright idea: if I just poured them out into a bowl, the odor would be less concentrated, but that action only created a giant mushroom cloud of crab-stench in the house.

Did it STOP me from tasting them? Of course not. I figured they had to taste better than they smelled. Doesn't cheese?

I picked one up and licked the claw. Sugar. Caramel crabs! I crunched off the tip...still nothing much but sugar. I popped the entire thing in my mouth and crunched down.

Let the record show: A Let's Party Roasted Caramel-Flavored Crab is the first food I have ever run to the garbage and spit out, simultaneously using my own fingers to shovel out any remnants. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever put in my mouth except for...well...never mind. Suffice it to say it was just awful. Two thumbs down! I don't recommend that you try this.

If you're hell bent on trying it anyway, at least make sure you've got a bottle of Ginseng juice handy to rinse it down with.


17 comments:

  1. I had crabs once...

















    They were delicious.

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  2. Oh Lori you're so brave! On both the Brian front and the eating-disgusting-things-from-an-Asian-grocery front.

    I laughed so hard at the visual of you trying to hook out crab parts into the garbage can.

    Hang in there, dear. I'm here if you need me!

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  3. I'm going to learn from your experience and not add this to the list of things I've done when I next post on that. Thanks for the warning because trying these is exactly something I *would* do otherwise.

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  4. oh my god... so disgusting. I work 2 blocks from Chinatown in NYC. And I AVOID things I can't pronounce or let alone see thru the bag what it is!

    And yes--I'm sure it smelled just as lovely as what I spoke about in my post.

    Your blog is amazing.

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  5. Not good blogs to read when you are eating a 6 hour old salad that has been transported from LAX to Houston. Okay, maybe it was good, because I spit the old, salmonella infected salad in the garbage in front of the whole airport. We are so refined.

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  6. That is hysterical! Can't wait to see what you'll be sampling next. Hey, I live in the Kan. City Metro so if Brian needs anything...you have a contact within driving distance!

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  7. ChazEDapper: Who ate them?

    Holly: Thank you. I am Lori-or Warrior, Queen of Tasting Things. Love you girl, will be in touch.

    BP: Hugs to you, BP, you're in a new folder now, entitled "People Who Know Things I Might Need to Know." Now, go taste something and give me a report.

    Stephen: Well, I appreciate your blog, as it gave "my readers" a frame of reference. Nice to see you here, and YOUR blog is amazing-er!

    PP: Look. Can't that company of yours get you a lady-in-waiting or something to toss up something fresh while you roll through airports all over the world? 6-hours-old warm salads, yuck! Did you eat it right out of your pocket?

    Jodie: This is GREAT. Do me a favor...do you have binoculars? Sneak up to the fence, and look for my kid, J-O-L-L-E-Y...

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  8. those aren't really crabs

    and you really ARE brave

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  9. Glad you tried them. If YOU didn't like 'em - I'm sure I would have died from eating them. I admire your adventurous nature.

    What a great post - I love your sound effects!

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  10. Sorry I'm late with this. I just wanted to say hang in there, we all have to grow up, and you and Brian can now enter a new time of your lives where you'll be better friends than ever.

    And thanks - your writing made me look back and feel what it must have been like for my mom on the day I left all those years ago, when I was thinking mainly about myself.

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  11. I suspect Sake would have been a better beverage selection!

    "Party Roasted Party Crabs in a Party Bag" LOL!!!

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  12. If you want to get rid of the smell at your place, wash your walls down with half a bottle venigar diluted in a basen of water. Your place will stink for about an hour, but I think you'll survive. Works wonders, specially agains't smoke!

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  13. I'm so glad you shared your experience with the Party Crabs---now I won't be tempted to try them. :)

    I once left not-quite-clean seashells in a coat pocket and forgot about them for a while.

    Ugh, I suspect your snack and my coat had some properties in common.

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  14. SS: The label said they were! What were they? tarantulas?! Scorpions?!

    Momo: I'd buy another bag to see you try one.

    Larry: Hi. Thanks for the nice comments; reminds me that I need to emphasize, sometime in a later blog, that Brian WAS more concerned about missing his friends...as I would have been at his age.

    Tai: I've never developed a taste for saki; maybe if I get "the good stuff" some day I'll change my mind.

    Dear Al: After I took the garbage out, the house returned to it's normal smell; I'll keep the vinegar tip tucked away though. Thanks for visiting!

    Spider Girl: Funny coat story...since it didn't happen to me, of course. Did you get the smell out?

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  15. You had me going there! But ewww... I can't believe you tried them. I don't think I could have.

    Now I feel obliged to tell you my kids' favorite joke:

    Why does the ocean roar?

    You would, too, if you had crabs on your bottom!

    Have a great weekend.

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  16. OMG!!! I laughed till I hurt! What a hoot! The question is, after this time, does your place still smell of crabs, or have you alread discovered a new 'snack'? ...hahaha

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  17. Wendy: Ya got a million of them! (I've already repeated that joke.)

    Barry: Glad to supply the laugh...I'll put a bag in your next care package.

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