Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Bah, Humb....awwwwwwwwwww.

It's getting down to the wire, isn't it, folks? I am almost done with my Christmas shopping. Almost. A few more things to buy before Saturday, and, as of now approximately 20 spare minutes in which to buy them.

I went out tonight on a Mad Mission: Put an end to this shopping chaos. Finish it.

Oh God. The Mall. Parking frenzy and strollers on your heels. Might I make a few observations?

First complaint: Beeping! When did we become so stupid or lazy that "they" decided that either we, or every employee of every establishment, needs to be beeped at to be reminded to do our jobs? Beep! Someone's coming in! Scrreech! Paper is coming out of the register! Blip! Sign here! Boop! You are exiting the store! Whoop, whoop, whoop, we forgot to remove the security tag! ... Well no wonder; there's no siren on the security tag!

Next, what's the deal with all of the "hip" stores cranking the techno music to volumes in which you are forced to scream "NO THANK YOU! I'M JUST LOOKING. WHAT? NO, JUST ...NO, JUST LOOKING!! I'M JUST LOOKING! oh, forget it, I'm outta here."

Another complaint, since I'm on a roll: A store filled with clerks stocking and talking, and only 1 employee working at a counter with 3 registers. HELLO, McFLY! Is there no one here authorized to ring up the 15 people standing in this line?!

Ok. My last stop of the night: Barnes and Noble.

You know all of those cool bargain aisles at the front of the store? Tonight, they are selling children's books with little electronic PIANO's in them. Loud, screechy, grate-on-your nerves pianos. Not that much of a problem, except that someone, to my amazement, has dropped off their 2 TODDLERS to play piano books. I can hear them from everywhere in the store. I pace back and forth around those kids; there are NO parent-types to be found. I am stunned and worried about them, irritated at their stupid parents, and hissing to my friend "who in the HELL would just drop their kids like this?"

It is suggested by my too-honest friend, that my holiday spirit for the day may be waning a bit. I tell him to shut the hell up, because I am FULL of holiday cheer, and he'd better not forget it. Now where in the hell are those kids' parents? Are they abandoned orphans or WHAT? I have to hover around to make sure no one eats them before their parents return. They do, at long last, and I resume my shopping.

Then the Angel Gabriel appeared, and said, "Behold, I bring you fun shoppers with REAL holiday cheer, and you should go and ask them if they will pose for a photo for your blog."

I did, they did, and my Grinchy heart grew three sizes, and I ended the evening all giggly, with my faith in holiday spirit restored.


  1. You should have worn your Sir Elton John glasses out. You would have wowed them.

  2. or some Halloween headgear

  3. Nice funky glasses. Am off home tomorrow for the christmas break. ( completed christmas shopping last week ) THis year's theme is functional presents...which means no perfume for mum...cos I have this suspicion she prefers to sample the sniffs herself before any purchase.

  4. For Xmas I got you more time to do all the stuff you like to do. It might take a while to get there though...Happy/Merry!

  5. First of all - I love this blog entry. I love the sound effects - whoop - beep - blip!! The same thing happened to me leaving Famous Barr the other night. "Pardon us, we morons left the tag on you item." Seriously – their little “siren” says: "Pardon us...." They hadn't left the tag on my item. I specifically saw the girl remove it. There WERE some other people walking out with me at the same time. They said: "It must be our cell phones" and left. I kept going back and forth through the sensor trying to see if it was me. I was too nervous just to dash out (afraid of security cameras) so I walked to the nearest register. Was anyone there? No. Just a lady who'd picked out some rapping Santa that she was absolutely enthralled with. "Look, my five year old nephew will just love this!" Did I think he would like it? Mind you, I'm holding this big, heavy gift for my husband and I was very polite. "Yes, I think he'll love it. Plus, it's Will Smith rapping so the parents should be OK with that." "Is that a song from a movie?" I couldn’t remember if it was or not, but so I said I thought it was just a regular song. "Oh, rapping Santa is a song?" "No, ‘Gettin' Jiggy Wit It’ is the song." OK, I tell her I'm going to try to escape again with my present and this time the sensor that isn't there doesn't go off. What's the deal with that anyway? No one ever seems to come rushing out or anything. It's like they all know they don't work right and don't bother.

    Anyway, that lady was cute. I'm happy she found something for her nephew. I guess I just like to tell crazy stories…

    Also, I totally agree that the crazy club music in those stores where they sell the too-tiny shirts is absurd!! Absurd, I say!!

    I’m glad you got your “holiday cheer” back. Sometimes it’s hard to remember exactly why we do this, but when the BIG day gets here, we’ll remember.

    (Sorry for such the long comment, I should’ve written my own blog!!)

  6. WhiteRed: Those EJ glasses are looking a little patchy; all the diamonds are falling. They're real diamonds, too.

    SS: A blow-up santa on my head?

    Edina: Have a great Christmas. Hope everyone loves their sensible gifts!

    Andy: Sniff. That's the best gift EVER!

    Momo: You're right, Sunday it will all have been worth it.

    While I'm at it, can I make one more beeping complaint? ATM Machines. Those things make my ears bleed, reminding me not to leave my money flapping in the slot!

  7. The ATM I use regularly doesn't really beep very much. But the automated voice that instructs me is a feminine voice with a british accent. And that's just all kinds of crazy since I live in Redneck land.

  8. Rather, it should say "ya'll don't fuhget yer money now, y'heah?"

  9. Anonymous4:56 PM

    For years now I've always held a picture in my mind of the Grinch being large,hairy, green and a rather unpleasant fellow dwelling on a mountain top.... it would seem however she's a small, pink haired, usually pleasant pixie living right here amongst us....what ever happened to that little dog Max....Happy Holidays!!

  10. I hate the mall. Won't go. But I just got some holiday cheer from you!


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