Yeah, yeah, I was bluuuuuuuue last night, I admit it.
This is my first holiday season without my son in my home. I thought I'd buck up. I'm so good at bucking up! In all honestly, it's been tougher than I ever thought it would be. I've been inexplicably tearing up for the last week. The reason was glaring at me Monday, when I went shopping for today: My grocery list didn't have Brian factored into it. Nothing for the 10,000 calorie potatoes! No bacon! No Red Bull!
I didn't buck up. I started crying. For some odd reason, I kept shopping. I kept crying and pushing my kart, and blowing my nose. I imagined that the other shoppers couldn't see me if I didn't look at them, and I kept going.
I'm okay now. It just got to me a bit, this week. Still, I want to know: What is he doing today? Will the USO be there? Will he eat turkey? Will get get to call home? Did they get our packages in time? Oh, I hope he gets to call.
While I sat at home pouting last night, my sister was at home, shaving her head; the chemo is kicking in, her hair's falling out, and what's left of it hurts her scalp. Bzzzzzzzzzzt. I don't know why that fills me with so much apprehension. It did the first time she went through this also, but when it was all said and done, I never really noticed it. She was just Teri, bald. Big deal.
And my Grandmother is very, very ill, and I spent an hour on the phone yesterday, with an exhausted Aunt that is the sole caregiver. Things do not look good. They live 90 minutes away. The assistance we can offer is minimal, if not pathetic. I could only promise her that if she needed a break, I'll do all I can to relieve her for...what? A day or a weekend? Big whoop, Lori.
That said, friends, the truth is that despite a few of life's inconveniences, the scales in my life still tip in a favorable light. There are one or two things that might put me into an occasional funk, but I could create a list of 10,000 things that I'm thankful for.
- My son is healthy, alive, and doing okay. There are a lot of parents out there suffering a lot more heartache today than I will ever imagine.
- My sister is going to be fine.
- Clint. My friend. A man that makes me laugh more than I knew I could, and leaves post-it I love you's inside of the coffeemaker.
- My health. A doctor's visit for injury or illness is so rare for me that I don't even have an assigned family doctor.
- Not only are life's basic necessities at my fingertips, I have more than my share of luxuries. I want for nothing.
- Family. I got a good one. Between Mom's family, and Dad's family, I have 100s of family, did you know that? We don't get together often, but there are those that keep in touch, and I appreciate and love them.
- My other sons. Don't I love getting the occasional email from Brian's friends, (as I did, from Seth, last night) asking "how you holding up?" or running into one at the grocery store and getting the stuffing hugged out of me.
- Friends. My god, I am blessed with friends! I've made dozens and dozens of new ones in the last 6 months. And so many out there that I haven't met yet, but still would claim to love.
- Strangers. Several, from all over the U.S. have popped in to give support, and to ask if they might have a soldier's name to send a gift to, and then again to tell me they've shipped off their boxes, and will continue to mail.
I am blessed.
And I'll be stuffing my face with Turkey in about 4 hours.
I have to run now, and find some eatin' pants.
And best wishes to all of you, I hope your day is mahvelous, and I can't wait to hear all about it!