Sunday, October 16, 2005

Rollercoasters, eh?

So.

Angst, yes? One blog full of angst and teeth-gnashing, and the next lighthearted garage sale tallies.

I never intended for this blog to be "diary-esque." At one time, I had another blog, on another station, used for the sole intent of venting. Spewing. Working off steam, coping with changes, ranting, raving.

I worked through it somewhere along the line, the rant grew tiresome.

And yet, here I am, I could not hold back the emotional barrage of the last week. In fact, you have no idea. And comments and e-mails have poured in, and though I never meant to burden you with every gory detail, I feel a responsibility now to report:

Brian did NOT sign with the Marines. Apparently they made some bogus promises, go figure. I was relieved that he recognized it, and passed.

He is, however, now looking at the Army. A Suh-WEET $20K signing bonus they are offering him, after bootcamp and a preliminary class. $20K by 2006. The U.S. Army is a stranger in a van, offering candy to my 19-year-old son.

I don't know who I am here.

Is this even about me?

The bottom line is: I do NOT want my son to go to the into the military. I don't want him to see war. Death. Blood. The kid is still terrified of a needle for christsakes, and no matter how many times we've locked horns (believe me, it's aplenty!) I still have maternal instinct enough to want to protect him from witnessing these things. Hell, I'd want to protect ANYONE from witnessing these things, why not my son too?

I have sat him down and asked him: If he had the option to go to the trade school he dreamed about earlier, would he choose it over the military?

He suggested maybe yes.

I asked him for this reason: I don't want him to make the military his choice out of desperation, out of believing he has no other options, out of thinking he's a financial or emotional burden.

Am I making a last-ditch attempt to manipulate him out of making this decision?

I have no idea. I like to think not, but it might be clear to you all that it's clearly the case.

Perhaps CJ got to me, and I am trying to clear my conscience; perhaps I need to know, if he marches off, that I did everything in my power to change his mind, and he went anyway.

And yes. CJ got to me. You all got to me. Everything you've said, every "you can't control him," every "you should talk to him", every "did you consider..." has cut through my soul. I am listening, and trying to do everything right here...

And the bottom line is...

It's his life. And

*he*

will

let

us

know

*his*

decision.

Stay tuned.

8 comments:

  1. Hope it works out, where you two come to a reasonable compromise/solution... keep us posted.

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  2. By the way, I think your blog is being infested by 'bots' that place silly ads... maybe turning on 'word verification' in your comments settings might help?

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  3. You know you're doing what you think is right. You've got a fine bunch of friends trying to help you see that, maybe trying to help you see other aspects of the situation, too. You're just ready for the difficult part to be over: for the decision to be made and the journey begun.

    Waiting is the hardest part (Tom Petty)

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  4. You are a great mom.



    :0)

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  5. Hey, don't back down ... you are right to want to help your son. It's a very big decision he shouldn't rush into. Like you say, the Marines didn't tell him the truth. $20k sounds like an enormous amount of meney but this decision is about his whole life, and over that lifetime 20k isn't too much.
    I bet there are Parkland programs that would offer results within 2 years -- something like the nursing program, but more manly

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  6. Good luck and God Bless.

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  7. Kurious: Thanks for your well wishes, you'll all definitely hear more as news rolls in. And thanks for the spam-tip; I had no idea how to fix that!

    SS: You're right, Brian and I are both blessed with lots of "gotcher back" friends, thanks god!

    Momo: TY. Brian loves you.

    Hi Paul: I'll keep "working" on him, school wise. Cross ya fingers!

    Andy: Thank you.

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  8. It's not right or wrong to try and protect your son from the horrors the army might visit on him - it's what mothers do. I only wish more mothers - all mothers - got their way on this issue. Maybe there'd be a lot more life and a lot less... you know.

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