Saturday, September 16, 2006

Dear Dogbait


I have a situation. Please. Hop a plane and take care of this for me.

I innocently opened my mailbox this week, when this spider jumped on his back legs, and yelled "Rahhhrrrrrr!" Then he just stood there, laughing while I screamed. Stood there...

on a letter...

from my son!

If it had been bills, or more applications to get 0% credit cards, I would have just closed the mailbox back up and made a run for it.

By the time I fished my camera out of my purse, he'd retreated to the back of his new quarters. Still. I stood there, thinking about This story from Dogbait. If you go on to read his comments, he explains exactly how it is that these Arachnids run up his arm or down his head and neck. "Pretend for a moment you are a meter reader," he says.

Oh yeah, I got that scenario down, in my mind: I'd just give my letter a little scoot out the door, and that spider would scream Gotcha!!! And run up my arm. And, of course, down my collar.

And there I'd be.

Naked in the street.

Nuh-uh.

Worse yet, when I went to get my mail yesterday, there was a stack of mail waiting for me.

But no spider.

Wiley bastard. I knew full well he was laying in wait between the junkmails.

So, what has every other day been a mindless procedure, is now quite involved.

Find a stick.

Open the mailbox door. With the stick, of course. Then stand back!

Reach that stick in there, and Quick! Drag all of the mail out, right onto the street.

Hop around and squeal a bit, just in case the spider comes charging at you.

Triple check that the spider hasn't, thus far, ended up on the end of your stick, or anywhere on your person, and then use that stick to separate and flip over each piece of mail, still lying in the street.

Pick up each piece after it's cleared the spider security check.

Tickets are on me, Dogbait; I can't go on like this forever.

24 comments:

  1. Thanks for the step-by-step procedure to assure spider-less mail. I will be using it from now on. (I'm not kidding.) :)

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  2. Wiley bastard spiders indeed! Monday I hop in the car at 7 a.m. and put my seat belt on. Just as it clicked I see a spider on my seatbelt right across my chest. I screamed like a little girl and spilled my coffee everywhere. Of course when I got out I couldn't find it. So I opened the door and yelled to the hub, "Taking your car today!".

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  3. Cheaper option than air tickets: buy a new mailbox. If you got a giant one, you could then wrap the old one up and post the spider and his home to somewhere very far away; sort of like an arachnid caravan trip. If you do decide to do this though, make sure you wrap the old one up tight. Any hole in the wrapping and he'd just move into brand new, more spacious digs. This could go on indefinitely, until your whole front lawn is littered with progressively larger mailboxes.

    I need to switch to decaf...

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  4. Hang in there,GG. Dog "Spiderhunter" Bait is on the way! We'll get that "little" critter. Crickey! We'll jump on his back and wrestle him to the ground.

    In the meantime, I've left my blog in the capable hands of my new assistant.

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  5. Anonymous6:11 PM

    ...regarding said spider...
    Can of hairspray and a lighter. When used together spiders dissapear (well get much smaller and crispier)

    Your sick friend in the shed in NJ

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  6. I HATE me some spiders!!

    hehe I never check the mail. Hubby loves to do that chore and I am more than happy to let him be attacked. The spider in the mailbox incident happens more often than people think. Yes, they are wily bastards!

    I feel things crawling on me now!!!!

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  7. you may need to change the routine after a rain....

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  8. I'm moving in across the street solely for entertainment purposes.

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  9. I always love an opportunity to mix hairspray with fire, especially if a spider is involved. Be careful of your eyebrows though.

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  10. We had a spider in the mailbox a while ago.

    I let my partner get the mail now. I'm not game to go back...

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  11. Laurie: Start looking for your stick!

    Jodie: I screamed like a little girl just reading that!

    Sveny: You've got the right idea! If that fails, I can just sell the house and move.

    Dogbait: Thanks! I'll be waiting in the driveway for your arrival.

    Anonymous: I'm not sure I'm good with explosives. And pick up yer phooooooone!

    Mel: I've always been more worried about my gardening gloves. You have to stomp on them before you can put them on, you know.

    Barry: Hmmmm, you're right.

    CB: There's a daycare center there; I'm sure that I'll soon be incorporated as 4:15 entertainment to a row of little kiddies

    Susan: The eyebrows! Right! I'm sure I'd somehow get that can turned in the wrong direction.

    Caramaena: You know, you have the right idea. Maybe all I need is a partner! I'm going out right now to find one!

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  12. HAving spent much of my life crawling under houses with black widows and in attics with black widows and under decks with black widows, and having on several occasions actually inhaled black widow spider eggs up my nose and in so far that I had no choice but to suck them down the pipe and hope they didn't hatch, I find your fear of a mailbox dweller just a wee bit on the girly side. Now I am not saying that you shouldn't approach the little guy with caution, I'm just saying you need a guy like me around to bring your bills and love letters to your doorstep, all shaken off and perhaps sprayed lightly with a perfumed spider killer of your choice.

    If you want the spider to simply vacate without harming it, place a small tape player in the mailbox with a Barry Manilow compilation playing in it at medium volume. The spider will seek reguge elsewhere, and you may not even have to collect your mail in the box after all...

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  13. Spiders lie in wait for me as well. They are plotting. I know this to be fact. You are NOT paranoid or over-reacting.

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  14. You forgot to mention the hours worth of constantly scratching and brushing of your arms, head, legs, etc. I always get the creepy crawlys after I've been around spiders.

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  15. Scott: Spider eggs up the nose? Eeeeeeeeeeek! You're right, I AM swimming in girly screaming!

    Yes. Bring me my mail. And the gutters need cleaned, while you're out there.

    BP: Yes, they are plotting and giggling and fixing lunch with our groceries when we are not at home. It's true!

    Mim: I had a big black cricket crawl right up my neck when Bri was home. I swear I dug at my neck for hours afterward. They have scratchy feet.

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  16. Arrgggghhh.....

    I had one in mine a few years back, luckily he was not so big. I say fumigate him, better dead so no fears of later attacks :)

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  17. Hilarious story!

    I can just imagine you dancing and screaming and "eeeeeking".

    I'd be doing the same thing if it happened to me!

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  18. StFarmer1:33 PM

    Yes, I'm a major lurker here but I had to comment on your vacation pictures... better late than never, right?

    You are stunningly beautiful! Ok, so I'm only commenting on one of them.

    I see you're from the twin cities... I'm from the other twin cities just West of you. I work for that really big insurance company located there.

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  19. I can't comment..I'm too busy laughing, imagining you with a stick poking through the mail and the spider just waiting for his mortal attack..

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  20. LOL!!

    sooooooooo....did it work?

    (I was just thinking about SpiderGirls blog and the picture of her holding the tarantula. To very drastic ends of the spider spectrum!)

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  21. Liz: From reading your blog, I think raccoon security is your biggest priority.

    Momo: C'mon over, I'll re-enact the entire scene. Hey! We can You-Tube it!

    StFarmer: Well. shucks. Thanks. (Can you get me a good deal on car insurance & such?)

    Mary: I swear that spider giggles while he lies in wait.

    Tai: Yeah, I remember Spider Girl's blog, and her holding that tarantula, and others. It ain't right! :-)

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  22. For heaven's sake woman! You cannot post roller coasters like this! The spider post has me laughing and the anvil post has me sick! Gah! Sorry for your son. It's hard to lose a friend, even an acquaintance, that way.
    Many's the time I stared down THAT long dark corridor. Yeesh.

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  23. Anonymous1:54 PM

    OMG the spider story is really funny. Whats really funny is I have done that.
    I have danced the mexican hat dance on my gardening gloves if they were left outside.
    Every trip to the shed involved finding the appropriate stick.
    Mom once called the fire department because a spider as big as the baseboard was in her newly built home.
    I've called the maintenance man to kill a spider that I cornered in the bathroom by forcing towels under the door.
    I so identify with your step by step instructions.
    LastminuteLyn

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  24. LMLyn! A woman after my own heart! I once had a giant spider meandering around between my two shower curtains! As luck would have it, my ex showed up to pick up our son for the day, and he killed it for me. Funny part is that he was dressed in his S*W*A*T uniform. Yes, I had a guy in army boots and donning guns killing my spider. I gave him permission to shoot the thing, but he didnt go to all that.

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