Wednesday, August 02, 2006

HNT: The Devil Made Me Do It

(Subtitle: How to Remove a Drunk from Your Table)

Despite the heat, I mucked out Saturday night to meet my "buds" at our favorite coffee shop. 8 p.m., and it was sweltering, but they are worth it. We sat around sweating in plastic chairs, and then decided to cross the street to The Esquire, where we could sweat in plastic chairs AND grab a burger.

While we were bantering and waiting for our food, a man inside tapped on the window. He pointed to each of us, and cheered when we waved. We imagined a drunken monetary wager: "I'll bet I can get each of those people to wave at me" Wave, wave, hi, you're fun.

A few minutes later, a tick-ticking on the window alerted us to the fact that he was throwing peanuts at us. Automatons, we turned to find him mooning us. We're a fun crowd, we laughed heartily.

The manager of The Esquire strolled out a few minutes later, and we tattled: "we saw his butt." Not like it was a bad thing, but still. Tattly.

A few minutes later, we heard further window hub-bub, and looked up to see our drunken friend inside, covering the window with mustard. We also saw the manager standing directly behind him.

Ruh-Roh Raggy. Dat boyz' comin' out 'cheah 'nex.

He did. He and his party began to settle at the table next to ours. Our peaceful little table.
What to do? "What can one say," I thought, "to be rid of a drunk?"

Drunk boy sat near me, and Momo immediately motioned me over: "Lori, move over. Sit here. Get over here."

I did as Momo instructed.

Still. We needed to be rid of this guy. What would chase him away?

"What's your name, dude?" I asked him.

"Jim" I am told, by he and his friends.

"Jim."... I asked him, "Jim. I need to ask you something, Jim."

Jim was attentive.

"JIM," I said.

"HAVE YOU ACCEPTED THE LORD JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR PERSONAL SAVIOR?"*

It would have been a perfect moment to slap him in the forehead, but I couldn't reach him, after Momo moved me.

Score! Jim The Drunk was completely taken aback, and sat speechless long enough for his friends and mine to fall into uproarious laughter.

Jim's friends all high-5'd me, and told me I was the funniest woman they'd ever met. What's not fun about THAT?

Well, here's what Jim had to say about it, as he moved on to his next station:


Hilaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarious.

I'm sure the next establishment appreciated him more than we did.

Moral of the Story: To get rid of a Drunk, Witness to Him.

Thank 'yuh; thankyuhveramuch.

*Note to Amishlaw: I told you. I'm banking on His sense of humor.

17 comments:

  1. Wow, and just yesterday I was telling thegirlfriend that I haven't mooned anybody in weeks.

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  2. That's a great story! Quick thinking on your part, not to mention quick camera work. With your knowledge of PhotoShop and your imagination - whoa...

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  3. HA HA HA HA HA!

    That's the BIGGEST laugh I've had in AGES...and the photo was brilliant!

    Clever way to get rid of the guy!

    Reminds me of a work colleague's quick-thinking years ago. She was, oh, probably 25. She's beautiful...and a bit naive. First business trip to New York. Got in a taxi at LaGuardia. Cab driver starts being a little too friendly as they cross into Manhattan, and she's getting uncomfortable. She suddenly said to him, "Say, can you tell me where the best lesbian bars are in Manhattan?"

    He muttered something...and never said another word to her except "thank you" when she paid him!

    Janet
    (lordcelery.blogspot.com)

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  4. That was completely and utterly hilarious!!!

    I can just imagine his face when you asked him!!

    You also get bonus points for the pic!!

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  5. Nice ass, dude.

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  6. you should complie this into a book with pictures, adventures of gnightgirl

    it's more interesting than a lot of things in the bookstores

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  7. That was an amazing story .. Made me laugh ...

    ./thanks
    ilaiy

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  8. ROFL! That was hilarious. The devil that made you do it must be a really funny devil :)

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  9. That is HYSTERICAL. You are the funniest chick I "know" ....

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  10. That's *great*! I should keep that in mind next time :)

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  11. EWWWWW! Ugly guys butt...ew!

    (Permission to use that line for my own purposes?)

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  12. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
    Hilarious indeed! That's just yet another reason why I love you; genius. Sooooper Genius! HHNT!

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  13. Gnightgirl, I can guarantee you, you're going to make it. Great story.

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  14. Freaking Brilliant!!

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  15. Hahahahah! Now that butt is going to be flashing before my eyes all day.

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  16. Dude, that was awesome.

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  17. Bar none - the best one liner I've ever heard.

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