Vested Interest in Amateur Photography

I have a bit of a dilemma.

I drive and park, anywhere, to head out and play photographer. Assuming I leave my purse at home, I'd still need my keys. An I.D. A few bucks. My cel phone. The second lens. Some caps and covers and filters and memory sticks and card readers. And the manual, of course, to figure out what in the hell I'm doing wrong.

The problem is that I don't want a huge, cumbersome bag bouncing on my hip, and sliding across my buh-zoooms; in my way in general. I want to have my hands free, and to be able to climb here, or crawl there, and not worry about keeping an eye on a bag if I meander around a bit.

A vest! One of those photographer's vests with all of the little pockets!

Aw, c'mon. I'm an amateur photographer. This is a hobby, not a profession.

I'd feel no less ridiculous walking around with a colander and tinfoil antennae on my head.

Still, I checked them out on the 'net. Maybe I could find a pretty little, feminine, inconspicuous vest. Something that says "I'm not really a professional, and I know you know, so shut up." Only with flare.

Unfortunately, most I find there can only be described as "Fugly." Here's the Humvee vest, for him and her:

Gag me. It's simply not going to fly with capris pants and stiletto sandals. I read up some more, and found that some photographers use fishing jackets, or safari jackets.


Safari jackets?! I won't be in the vicinity of a lion taking down a gazelle any time soon, but a safari jacket might be ok for the occasional chattering squirrel. I looked for a more feminine style. Here's one I found on SheFari.com (SHE-FARI; give me a break!)

Uh huh. She looks like she's going to be doing about as much safari'ing as I am. Makeup and hair must be pristine when watching a wildebeest migration across the Serengetti. You GO, girl, and cinch up that flattering drawstring while you're at it, to enhance your hips.

Any jacket that makes a Size 2 model look like a midwestern heiffer, I'm thinkin, is not the garment for me.

There's always this number. Again. I'm not finding it all that flattering. I mean, I tried it on, and look how it looks on me:

Seriously, I look like a little old man in that thing. I know you don't want to mention it, but the handwriting's on the wall. I'm passing on this one; can't you feel the camera lens pounding on your thighs in this one?

Here's one from yet another distributor:

I can save $289 and just bring out my son's former newspaper apron. Here's a shot from the back:

Again. Entirely too pretentious for me. I'd just as well buy this thing, and muck around with a 10-pak of disposable camera's, normally used to set on tables at wedding receptions. It's entirely too much vest for what I'm after.

THIS one, however...is kind of...sexxxxxxxxxxxxxy...Well, for an outdoorsy vesty kind of garment. A leopard-print lining. Whoo-hoo! I'm thinking I might be able to work with this: Wear it inside out, with a denim skirt and some black tights....


Say Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeese, baby.

And No. I haven't bought it yet. I'm still dreamin'.